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Saturday, August 31, 2013

George Zimmerman Cures Cancer

George Zimmerman, the Florida man at the center of the controversial Trayvon Martin case, claims to have cured cancer.

The announcement was first made on Twitter by his brother Robert and was then followed by a demonstration of the new Zimmerman cure by the man formerly on trial for the shooting of a Florida teenager during which he demonstrated the cancer cure and introduced reporters to several former cancer patients cured by his method.

Zimmerman, who claims to have come up with the cure during an intensive bout of research while waiting to be tried, is releasing it free of charge into the public domain.

Reaction to the move was swift and unanimous.

"Cancer is a white man's disease," said MSNBC political commentator Al Sharpton. "No black man ever got cancer unless he got it from white people. The only people a racist like Zimmerman cares about is white people."

Time Magazine warned that the loss of cancer would actually pose a danger to public health. In "Cancer: Misunderstood?" it pointed out that for many years cancer had been a signature disease. Now that it was cured, funding for public health research would begin drying up.

"For now, Zimmerman is basking in shortsighted praise for curing a disease, but millions more will die because of the inattention to other public health crises, including AIDS, spread like a disease by his cure."

"George musta thought cancer was black," tweeted comedian Chris Rock. Ted Rall drew a cancer cell wearing a hoodie.

Some responses were unexpectedly sympathetic toward cancer. In "George Zimmerman Cures Cancer But at What Price?" National Geographic warned that the cure would unleash other diseases that cancer may have kept in the background. The Daily Beast ran a response from African-American cancer patients wearing hoodies and vowing not to make use of the cure. "We Would Rather Have Trayvon Martin Alive Again Than a Cure for Cancer. Slate responded with a contrarian piece, "What Was So Bad About Cancer Anyway?"

"Cancer mostly killed the old and the sick. Unlike George Zimmerman who murdered a young boy. Now his cancer cure will help old white people live longer perpetuating white privilege."

New York Times columnist Charles M. Blow expressed concern that Zimmerman's flashy cure had prevented black researchers from curing cancer and providing a role model for black youth.

"The shot that George Zimmerman fired with his so-called cancer cure at the black community is even deadlier than the first shot he fired by murdering Trayvon Martin," Blow wrote. "I spoke with researchers at Harvard University's Uni Research labs where a properly multicultural team from every race, gender and sexual orientation had been assembled to cure cancer and provide role models for children of every conceivable combination of races, sexual orientations and gender identities."

"Sure cancer was cured," Blow finished, "but at what price? Is cancer really deadlier than the lack of role models in our community?"

Responding to that lack of role models, the NAACP petitioned that the name of the Zimmerman cure by redistributed and renamed after George Elmer Dagwood Jr, a pioneering African-American researcher in the 1930s who claimed to have cured cancer. While the cure turned out to be sugar water, there were many who swore that the water had cured them.

Speaking at an NAACP event, Attorney General Eric Holder promised to take the proposal under advisement.

President Barack Obama appeared to have little to say about the cure. At a press conference he however offered some off the cuff remarks, saying, "George Zimmerman may find it easier to cure cancer than to cure the loss that Trayvon Martin's parents suffered. Cancer may have been the cancer of the white community, but gun violence is the cancer of the black community. The real threat doesn't come from microscopic diseases, but from the choices that we make. Our challenge isn't to cure diseases, anyone can do that, but to change the bad choices that we make by outlawing guns."

MSNBC's Chris Matthews expressed concern that the large number of people who would no longer die of cancer would live longer to become a drain on the healthcare system.

"George Zimmerman not only killed a black man, but he may have also killed the signature legislative achievement of America's first black president," Matthews said.

"A cancer cure means an overloaded Obamacare system that is unsustainable. And you'll pardon my suspicious mind, but I think that's exactly what George Zimmerman had in mind. He wanted revenge against Obama and he got it."

"Black people have often been referred to as a cancer," said Toure, an accredited expert in racism. "There is this process of othering at work here. First George Zimmerman murders a black boy to get white approval and then he murders a disease that white people hate the way they hate black people."

"The real cancer isn't cancer," he added. "It's racism. And there's no cure for that except hating George Zimmerman. And all white people."

(This is satire. George Zimmerman did not cure cancer. Yet.)

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for a post-Shabbos laugh. This was great fun.

Lightbringer

Edward Cline said...

You missed your calling, Daniel. For a moment, I thought you were serious. I was hoping it wasn't true, that Zimmerman claimed to have found a cancer cure, because that would've meant he was going off the deep end. Thank you for the satire.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Thank you.

Genie said...

Funny stuff, Daniel.

Thank you. I needed that. :) ♥

mindRider said...

Was footnoting this nice column as being satire deemed necessary in fear of extreme(ly) stupid and aggressive reactions?
Shana Towa

fsy said...

Nice. Unfortunately, the art of satire died sometime in the last few years when it became completely indistinguishable from real news. Right now, there is absolutely no way to find out what is really going on with Obama's planned attack on Syria, since it is impossible to tell which are the real stories and which are the parodies.

michael saunders said...

Reading your piece I was reminded of an incident in Boston when they opened the new Tobin bridge. The bridge was designed by a white guy which just didn't sit right with the Boston lefties. When they had the grand opening with the ceremonial ride across the bridge, they had a Hispanic man who worked copying drawings for the architect. He was presented that day as the designer and rode across in a convertible. The Hispanic children at the event had a new role model, the rest of us had a good laugh. Remember what Mark TwIn said- the great wall of China cannot withstand the assault of laughter. Thanks Daniel.

Anonymous said...


Readers thought this was funny and I took something completely different from this.
How sad that people wouldn't even accept a cure for cancer because of their racist hatred.

meema said...

Outstanding on so many levels!
Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Excellent article, hard to distinguish truth from fiction these days!

Edward Cline said...

Anonymous Yes, they would accept a cure for cancer, but claim that it was stolen from a dead black guy whose research was copied in a conspiracy. Or they would claim that Trayvon Martin would've discovered a cure for cancer had he not been "murdered" by a white (okay, semi-white) guy. The litany of victimhood is inexhaustible.

Anonymous said...

Bitingly fun! You are the highlight of my day.
- BarbaCat

Anonymous said...

Hillarious. Loved it.

Anonymous said...

Really funny Daniel. But you neglected to get in how Zimmerman's cure of cancer is an attack on women's reproductive rights, homosexual marriage, transgender's right for taxpayer funded sex change operations, will increase the number of obese people, will detrimentally effect steps to control climate change, and turn back the clock to the time of voting discrimination against blacks.

Elaine

Anonymous said...

Love it!

Keliata

Anonymous said...

"Readers thought this was funny and I took something completely different from this.
How sad that people wouldn't even accept a cure for cancer because of their racist hatred."


Anon: We see a similar scenario when it comes to Jews and medical advances. Not that these advances are ever rejected, though. Just the creators of them.

Keliata

Common 'tater said...

Oh great sultan, I loved this. Unfortunately me thinks your description of today's groupthink, while being a parody, is too accurate.

If one of the chosen minority victims did not invent, create, or foresee it, it was stolen from them. However, let one of the chosen ones actually create, invent, discover, or somehow rise to greatness and not be part of the groupthink crowd, he/she will be denounced, vilified and even disowned (i.e., Justice Thomas, Dr. Carson, Cosby).

Anonymous said...

it seems to me he cured lead cancer in his own (white) race by simply NOT shooting them.
and of course he has NO concern for any other race


danfan

Anonymous said...

To suffer from cancer is less to suffer from than any perceived racism that could exist at any time and when you least suspect it, especially in its coded forms. Dr. Pander Whimper Sling

Anonymous said...

I thought that we were going to be told Trayvon Martin had cancer.

John Bonner said...

Racist Pigdog! I fart in your general direction! Sultan Python and his flying circus

Anonymous said...

Well done. I'm still not sure this all didn't happen.

Anonymous said...

Sharpton views Zimmerman as a "white" man. Does he also view Obammy as a "white" man? They both have the same amount of "white" in them. Sharpton is just a base race hustler and nothing else.

Whirlwinder

johnnyreb said...

It's truly sad that everything written in your excellnt piece sounds eerily like listening to Maddow, Morgan, Sharpton, Pelosi, etc.

Should this piece be published in most college newspapers, there would be marches on the campus before sundown, demanding something be done about this atrocity.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. And sad that you had to write "This is satire" at the end for the "low-information voter" as we now politely call those who vote without knowing such basics as who is which candidate's vice-president.

Always enjoy your intelligent commentary and excellent writing.

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